The Passengers by John Marrs

Author:John Marrs
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd

Chapter 41

Libby took a sharp intake of breath and a step back from the screen.

She glared at Jude, hoping he was making a distasteful joke but instinct told her he wasn’t the type. She turned to Matthew, Fiona and Muriel to check she hadn’t misheard. Their equally puzzled faces told her she had not.

‘I … I don’t think I understand,’ she stuttered. ‘What do you mean you were going to end your life?’

‘I’m afraid it means what you think it means. I’d given the sat nav the coordinates for Scotland’s Forth bridge. Have you ever been?’ Libby shook her head. ‘My brother and I used to go up to South Queensferry as kids each summer to stay with our uncle. It’s such a beautiful part of the world and it seemed fitting to call things quits in a place I’ve got fond memories of.’

Libby’s head was spinning. Jude’s reply was so detached it was as if he were planning a summer holiday, not his death. Her knee-jerk reaction was to try and talk him out of it until she reminded herself of her nursing training. She must tread carefully.

‘I know it’s an intrusive thing for me to ask and I hope you forgive me for it, but what made you reach that decision?’ she asked instead.

‘You don’t have to treat me with kid gloves, Libby,’ he replied. ‘I’m not your patient. I can only speak for myself but I assume it’s for the same reason most people want to end their lives early. Because I have absolutely nothing I want to live for.’

‘But when we met, you seemed so happy, so confident … your smile and enthusiasm were two of the things I remember most clearly about you.’

‘When you’ve had depression as long as I have, you learn how to become a convincing actor. Mine has been crippling me on and off since I was a teenager and, in recent years, it’s become unbearable. Medication, counselling, electroconvulsive therapy … everything I’ve tried hasn’t even scratched the surface. So last Christmas, I made a promise to myself that when it all became too much, I was going to take charge of it instead of letting it take charge of me. And after a particularly rough few months, I made up my mind that today was going to be the day I took back control. And here we are.’

‘But what about your family?’

‘My brother is all I have left but there’s a lot of distance between us. We don’t really know one another anymore.’

‘I’m sure he’d still miss you.’

‘Yeah, he might do. But not wanting to hurt him isn’t enough for me to remain here. Nothing is.’

What about me? Libby wanted to say, but she held her tongue. ‘You have so much to live for …’ she began and stopped herself mid-sentence. She reminded herself that pointing out what someone with depression has to live for would not make a blind bit of difference to their mindset. ‘I’m sorry,’ she continued. ‘That’s not what you want to hear.

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